The Cellar

Once upon a 2005, two friends and I stumbled into a bar called The Cellar. This bar no longer exists. But it did inspire… [long pause…] this poem.

Fourteenth street, east end of town,
Is built aloft with brick and steel.
Amongst the tow’ring buildings lies
A cellar door, a hidden thing,
It opens inward, winter’s sting
Is fast dulled by these warmer climes.
But once you get inside you feel
Some mad weird shit is going down.

The patrons stop at once to stare.
Are we three souls unwelcome here?
An odd mustachioed man I spy;
The darkness looms too close above;
The jukebox screams “At last, my love!”
Two huge dogs are at my thigh!
Mayhaps they can smell my fear.
But still we sit, to sample fare.

An alcove hides a sofa small,
And plastic-covered lounging chairs,
And on the wall a tapestry
Depicts elk, or perhaps red deer.
So Laura goes to get us beer.
We’re asked to offer up I.D.
Behind my seat a darkened lair
With Quebecois flags on the wall.

The hallway beckons me to come…
Who knows what horrors lie beyond?
Is that a fucking gun I see?
OK, it’s an arcade machine. 
And farther still a bright light gleams—
A sullen photo-booth gives me
The chance to get my picture on.
I fear my sanity is done.

Solutions? I can see but one.
Fuck this noise, I’m outty son.

This recipe is called “Put Things in the Rice Cooker and Hope it Ends Up Tasting Good”

I’m not a chef. That’s usually OK because Trader Joe’s sells frozen food and I have a microwave. However, I have discovered this easily customizable recipe which ANYONE can make! The proof I have is that I can make it, and when it comes to culinary preparation I am a good stand in for “anyone”. 

You just need a rice cooker. You don’t need one of the fancy ones that, like, cooks at a different temperature based on the chemical solution of the soil in which the rice was grown or anything. Just one with an On/Off switch. And a cord with a plug on it. And a wall socket. You need electricity is what I mean.

Ingredients:

Rice

Or whatever

And then anything else you think might taste good with the other stuff you have

Preparation:

1. Put some rice or whatever in the rice cooker.

2. Add water or vegetable stock. Usually it’s something like a 2/1 ratio of liquid to rice, but it depends on how much other stuff you’re putting in there.

3. Now it’s time to put the other stuff in. Did you get long-grain rice? Maybe throw in a can of black beans, or some chopped tomatoes. Or go crazy and add BOTH. Did you get Japanese white rice? Mmm, that might taste good with some mushrooms and some ponzu sauce, perhaps some sesame seeds? Do you have tofu lying around? Maybe chop some of that and throw it in there too. Or any other vegetables you have. And spices! I bet you have spices and some of them would taste good with the other stuff you have in there. If you’re like me you can guess (“Paprika? Sure, why not!”) or if you actually know what you’re doing you can choose more cautiously (“A human who would put paprika in this dish is a ninny who deserves what they get.”)

4. Keep putting stuff in until you think it will probably taste good or you get bored.

5. Turn the rice cooker on. It will now cook whatever you put in there. Many people believe the rice cooker will revolt and refuse to cook things that aren’t rice. “I am a rice cooker,” it will say, “And I was not designed for any of this spinachy nonsense! Fill me with rice and rice alone.” This is wrong for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it just steams stuff until the internal temperature of the rice cooker goes above the boiling point of water; rice is not essential. Secondly, it’s a rice cooker, and rice cookers can’t talk.

6. Is it done yet? Probably not because this can take a frustratingly long time. Don’t try this when you’re hungry.

7. OK, it’s done.

8. Try some of it. Does it taste good? Well done! If not, try again next time with other stuff.

Serves 0 (if it’s bad) - However many people want some (portion size will vary).

Enjoy!

Tortuous. Wonderful.

Here are some notes I just found in a notebook I haven’t opened for two years. They are notes for something (I think I remember what they’re for). Anyway. Seemed appropriate for today.

Every generation thinks they’re the last, thinks they’re special? “I figure we’ll all end up in utopia, or dead. 50 years out.” And 50 years out, people will be saying that too.

We even found their stuff on the moon.

History is on a parabolic curve, ever approaching zero, but never reaching it. Mathematically [illegible] paradox — can [illegible] curve happens relative to both axes. At a certain point, it switches the axis to which it’s relative.

“Yes, but this is the first time there’ve ever been weapons that could kill us all. One crazy could fuck us all.

History is resolution. Resolution is megapixels, it seems to us that cultural trends speed up as they approach us. But every generation thinks that. It’s not true. We’re just at the crest of the wave.”

It’s true, and it isn’t. Like the Hubble. (we only have the perspective we have)

Egypt —> Picasso.

Time and time. 2K years.

WE GET TO JUDGE BY OUR POSITION.

Just because we don’t know everything doesn’t mean we don’t get to judge.

Time is relative.

There is more capacity for mass destruction from human agency. Human agency matters.

Self awareness is torture.

There is no difference between a nuke going off, an asteroid hitting us, an airplane crashing, or getting leukemia.

Isn’t that solipsistic?

We’re dead either way. I get the nonchalance.

Tortuous, wonderful. We’re both right.

Anonymous asked: What is your favorite Girl Scout cookie?

A Thin Mint straight from the freezer. Although it’s been years since I’ve had any GSCs at all, so I don’t really know. I mean, I used to like hamburgers and hate the Brussels sprout, so I don’t know.

I just don’t know.