January 2012
1 post
This recipe is called "Put Things in the Rice...
I’m not a chef. That’s usually OK because Trader Joe’s sells frozen food and I have a microwave. However, I have discovered this easily customizable recipe which ANYONE can make! The proof I have is that I can make it, and when it comes to culinary preparation I am a good stand in for “anyone”.
You just need a rice cooker. You don’t need one of the fancy ones that, like, cooks at a different...
May 2011
1 post
Tortuous. Wonderful.
Here are some notes I just found in a notebook I haven’t opened for two years. They are notes for something (I think I remember what they’re for). Anyway. Seemed appropriate for today.
Every generation thinks they’re the last, thinks they’re special? “I figure we’ll all end up in utopia, or dead. 50 years out.” And 50 years out, people will be saying...
March 2011
4 posts
Anonymous asked: What is your favorite Girl Scout cookie?
tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
Some of the lesser known perils of time travel →
I wrote another story in six minutes. It is not one of my favorites.
However, the title has been bouncing around my head since I wrote it, and I think I’ve come up with (or at the very least am on the verge of coming up with) something (better) that I’d like to do with it.
So. Um.
I have begun a new endeavor. →
The world? It was waiting.
February 2011
1 post
A Poem
I
did
not
write
this
poem
I
compiled
it
by
selecting
at
random
words
I
had
previously
cut
out
of
a
better
homes
and
gardens
magazine
and
placed
into
a
purple
bucket
footnote
it
was
actually
Martha
Stewart
living
and
a
black
fedora
I
have
no
explanation
for
why
it
is
this
coherent
I
did
not
cheat
and
rearrange
the
words
this
is
...
January 2011
2 posts
Geese in the Wilderness
What is it about particularly wild geese that makes them difficult to chase? Are domesticated geese worse escape artists? Can you even have a domesticated goose chase, or are domesticated geese all meek and lazy or in a cage or tied to a fence or something? Isn’t it actually exceptionally difficult to chase ANY goose, because geese can fly and you (probably) cannot? I imagine that chasing a...
My 2010
In 2010 I got sick. In 2010 I was as sick as I’ve ever been in my life, a skull-crushing, strength-destroying, soul-exhausting, heart-clenching meningitic thing that took me to the hospital twice. I had two CAT scans, an MRI, an EMG, a stack of EKGs, an echocardiogram, a month off work, and a daily certainty that I was going to die. Which led me to freak out. Which freakouts manifested...
November 2010
1 post
Nabokovian Vocabulary, Part 1
I’ve recently decided to go on a reading spree, kicking through V. Nabokov’s entire long-fiction OEUVRE in a single go. There were two basic impeti (?): 1) I’ve never read an author’s work all at once like that, and it seemed like a cool thing to do (for very small values of “cool”); and 2) Ada, or Ardor is one of the damned finest works I’ve ever read...
July 2010
1 post
A Word of Advice to the Young
On the occasion of her graduation from high school, I provided a friend with some advice that I a) wish other people had given me or b) am really glad I heeded.
I read it to the assembled team of Ms. Stephanie, Joshua William Gelb, and Juddrigar Eccles Hardy VI, and they said that it should be compulsory advice for all recent graduates of high school. WHICH IS NICE OF THEM.
But in the interest...
February 2010
1 post
$5 more!
Tack on $5 to The Monies. Yeah!
January 2010
1 post
State of the Union
A Response to the State of the Union Address
Baloney. Or, in a more “adult” word: horseshit. You read that right. Horseshit. I said it.
Yeah, this is coming from the guy who gave hundreds of dollars to the Obama campaign, who drove to neighboring states to sign people up to vote for Obama, who wept on the morning when Obama was inaugurated, in surprise and pride and happiness and...
November 2009
2 posts
Following What?
There’s nothing wrong with “next customer”. Nothing wrong at all. When I have waited in a long and snaky line, likely being needled to near death by some sort of saxophonic melody playing from invisible but perfectly-placed store speakers, and I have finally attained the position of FIRST IN LINE, the call of “next customer” fills me with a sense of elation: soon I...
The Monies
Total amount of money I have found on the streets of New York City: $70
Amount I have immediately given away to someone who claimed to have just dropped it: $20
Amount I saw that person drop: $0
Number of bananas she purchased me afterward (not a euphemism): 3
Amount she spent on those bananas: $1
Number of times the fruit stand guy, who saw the whole thing transpire, had to hint and pry that...
July 2009
5 posts
What Exactly Is An Underneath?
An actual sign on the DC Metro (or “subway” for we real Americans):
Danger: Do not touch electrical paddles protruding from underneath of train!
OK. Fine. I won’t. There’s no need to shout. I’m willing to follow your cryptic instructions. But first answer some questions:
A) What the hell is an electrical paddle? It actually sort of sounds fun. Are you sure we...
“For the record, I’d like to live in an America in which I could leave my...”
– William T. Vollmann, Rising Up and Rising Down Vol 1.
Secret Window
Once upon an ages ago, during that period of time known as “the hood of the child” (translated from the, um, Dutch), I read a book in which some siblings discovered a secret window in their home. EXCITING. This was not their usual home, but a summer home, or perhaps a new home. They had been into the home’s attic, and seen nothing out of the ordinary; but from outside, they...
Remembering
In Speaker for the Dead, Orson Scott Card suggests a new type of post-life remembrance. Rather than being the subject of a white-washing eulogy, the deceased should be “spoken for”, in a Cromwellian warts-and-all type way. The speaker for the dead should speak not merely positively, but honestly; describing hopes, dreams, and aspirations, as well as foibles, failures, and flaws.
...
May 2009
1 post
Theater.
I have three (3) readings/performances/ERA-DEFINING THEATER EXPERIENCES going up in the New York area within the next, say, 27 days. Give or take 0 days. I am now going to shill for all of them, including telling you if/when I’ll be there, so if you want to not only experience the majesty and triumph of my written word but also my actual physical American presence, you’ll know what...
April 2009
1 post
How Jamie Roach Inadvertently Kick-Started My...
I don’t remember the exact order of things. Because that’s what tends to happen with events more than fifteen years gone that at the time didn’t seem particularly noteworthy.
My fifth grade teacher, the late Mr. Gillis, was the kind of teacher that movies get made about. He wanted to impart to his classes of ten year olds a love of learning for its own sake, a love of...
March 2009
3 posts
“It’s true that good governments appreciate the holy indignation of the...”
– Michel Foucault, “Confronting Governments: Human Rights”
Dream Dumpage
Two nights ago, woke up just after I had discovered (written on a wall?) a four line or perhaps four couplet poem that was so intensely beautiful that it put me on the edge of tears. Came fully awake, the poem drifting away as I sought to hold on to the end, at least. Couldn’t, although I kept the sense of it. My guess now is that the dream logic imparted some impossibly few words with some...
“Look, man, we’d probably most of us agree that these are dark times, and stupid...”
– David Foster Wallace, quoted in the wonderful article about his life and work in The New Yorker. [extreme spoiler warning applies. the article discusses both The Broom of the System’s and Infinite Jest’s plots at length, and includes the final lines from both novels. you have been...
February 2009
9 posts
“‘I would not kill even a Bishop. I would not kill a proprietor of any...”
– E. Hemingway, For Whom the Bell Tolls
“1. That which exists has value.
2. Except for that which is intended to harm or...”
The Spoken Word
I had been planning to write an essay about how Obama co-opts the language of simplicity to discuss complexity, thereby sounding like Bush while thinking like, er, an adult, but Garth at The Millions beat me to it. And did it way better than I would have. So read this.
Listen to me tell a story about Moravia. This week...
Open Letter to President Obama
Dear Mr. President, This week, your Justice Department invoked former President George W. Bush’s horrifying “state secrets” powers to continue the government’s policies of “extraordinary rendition.” This is disgraceful. Just three weeks ago, you said “we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals.” And we do, sir. Please put an end...
The Perils of Pet Ownership
me: hi!
Larke: hold on
cat just fell in the trash
me: blogged.
My Current Favorite Thing On the Internet →
Christoph Niemann sees New York in his sons’ LEGO.
The start of something.
(found in my notebook, scribbled down yesteryear, originally intended to be the beginning of something longer, which thing is now on the back-burner as more pressing deadlines loom)
When it began, it was in such small ways that nobody took notice. A small crack appeared in a wall, and all of the usual culprits were blamed: poor workmanship, deterioration with age, sudden shift in humidity....
Excerpt from "How A Student Should Behave" by John...
fancyprosestyle:
The sage of Miletus set down these rules of polite behaviour for which we should be grateful. Regulate your household soberly; do your civic duties cheerfully; have a word of greeting for strangers as for friends; do your utmost to avoid altercations with irate associates; with a smile and a witticism cover up the faults of others; be faultless at table, glad even to entertain...
January 2009
12 posts
Parataxis →
It is as if the speech, rather than being a sustained performance with a cumulative power, was a framework on which a succession of verbal ornaments was hung, and we were being invited not to move forward but to stop and ponder significances only hinted at.
And if you look at the text – spread out like a patient etherized upon a table – that’s exactly what it’s like. There are few transitions...
On Photography →
“Errol Morris asked the head photo editors of these news services — Vincent Amalvy (AFP), Santiago Lyon (AP) and Jim Bourg (Reuters) — to pick the photographs of the president that they believe captured the character of the man and of his administration. There are overlapping pictures — of the president with a bullhorn at Ground Zero, of the president looking out the window of Air Force One...
Adventures in Sporting
Larke: ello?
me: yo
Larke: happy sunday!
me: you too! happy nfl conference championships!
Larke: are you rooting for the steelers, or the phillies or the ravens or the fourth one?
me: The fourth one
Just because it's so ridiculous that they've gotten this far
Larke: which one is the fourth one?
sorry, its amazing that I can even give you three out of four
especially that the patriots and the giants arent two of those four
me: Well, you got two of the four and then named a baseball team.
Larke: i did
me: But close enough, I guess?
Larke: oh shit
phillies
EAGLES
EAGLES
me: Arizona Cardinals will be your "fourth one" today. :)
Larke: Go AZ
I support pretty red birds
unless they are fighting catholics
me: I always like pretty red birds.
Larke: they are so fetching
me: And tasty.
A note to those who may...
…find themselves in the Czech Republic, not speaking much Czech.
Ahem.
If you see something listed in the “salaty” (SALAD) portion of the menu, and it lists among its ingredients “couscous” (COUSCOUS), please note:
It is not a SALAD.
It’s just COUSCOUS.
Happy traveling.
Written On Inauguration Day Four Years Ago
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004 was going to be the day that I helped change the world. The possibility of that change flooded my thoughts and adrenaline my heart at the knowledge of what goodness the day would bring. I was unable to sleep. Rolling fitfully in my bed, my eyes wide open, my thoughts so clear and infused with optimism. How do you sleep the night before you change the world? I gave up...
1 tag
Because the World Needs to Read My Twilight FanFic
It was raining. In my heart. Also outside. The windshield wipers on my old (but in a charming, not an ew gross sort of way) truck kept time with the beating of my heart. Which was slow. Slower than yours. I sighed. I pulled into the parking lot of my new high school, and looked at the faces of all the students streaming into class. Their happy faces smiling brightly even as the weather was so, so...
“I feel like I’ve passed through a mirror into Crazyland. Everybody lives...”
– Me. Just now.
WatchDepressing, but sort of necessary. Enjoy?
1 tag
Review Review
Why It’s Important to Know Something About a Reviewer’s Tastes Before You Trust the Reviews They Write, Part 1: Mare Cognitum
Exhibit A courtesy of Michael Criscuolo at nytheatre.com:
“David McGee’s whimsical new play, Mare Cognitum, asks both its characters and its audience to take big leaps of faith. For the trio of twentysomethings at the center of this poignant...
On Rod Blagojevich
me: Yeah, but, you know... if we can't quote poetry to prove the opposite point intended, what would we EVER quote?
Slaney: ahhh...you've voiced the "Sarah Palin Theory of Language"
me: Well, you know, we as Americans and the wanting to be true and patriotic and need to be liking of both that and the other thing we needed. Which is why I think it's important to say so and also the other way we need to remember of being faithful. And that's why I'm running for Vice President.
Slaney: and that's why i'm applying to graduate school.
2008 In A Nutshell
(format h/t Larke) In 2008 I wrote a letter to Al Gore (like right away. 12:07am 1/1/08); wrote a pageant for AdNaus; wrote a one-man play on commission; wrote the end of Instant Breakfast; and didn’t write nearly as much as I should have. I acted in a play where I danced with a shadow; met a girl on the subway and then on craigslist; registered people to vote; filed way too many papers; went to...