My 2010

In 2010 I got sick.

In 2010 I was as sick as I’ve ever been in my life, a skull-crushing, strength-destroying, soul-exhausting, heart-clenching meningitic thing that took me to the hospital twice. I had two CAT scans, an MRI, an EMG, a stack of EKGs, an echocardiogram, a month off work, and a daily certainty that I was going to die. Which led me to freak out. Which freakouts manifested as physical symptoms that matched those of heart attacks. Which physical symptoms led me into a fairly dark place, all things considered. Which led to me going to the hospital two additional times for stupid reasons, and to more doctor’s appointments than I can accurately remember, and finally to a doctor who suggested that maybe, just maybe, I was suffering from anxiety.

In 2010 I got anxious.

In 2010 I got help. Anxiety can be lessened with medication, but is also bested by lifestyle changes. I began to dance my ass off in Dan Safer’s and Laura Stinger’s movement class. A class that, nominally for college first years, was pitched to exactly my level of physicality. A class that promised to teach body awareness. A class that lived up to its promise. I am aware of my body. And yes, it would be fair to say that for the first time that I can remember, I am not suspicious of it. I am daily thankful to be a corporeal being. You guys, this is a big change. I bought an exercise bike and began to ride it diligently. I began to diligently eat well. And I diligently took my medication, because it, too, helped a lot.

In 2010, I thought off 2010 as a lost year; a year lost entirely to sickness and worry.

But in 2010 I wrote What’s the Matter With Pandas? And I wrote A Preposterously Brief History of Everything in the Whole Entire Universe. And I saw them made (by a group of ridiculously talented people) into readings at New York Theater Workshop, presented to an audience that loved them (and loved the goat play too). And I completed a short film script — We Must Have Decorum — and was there as a group of equally ridiculously talented people made it into an actual movie with, you know, lights and cameras and everything. And I wrote All the Luck and saw two readings of that and began considering the possibility that it might be a thing that happens in the world of commercial theater. And I rewrote the Pageant! and put that on with a group of crazies and got people liquored up and actually broke even. And I kept on working on Over and Over which is never ever going to be done, and that is probably the best thing about it.

And in 2010, I fell even more in love with Stephanie, who kept by me during the really rough time and never let me get complacent about feeling ill. She was kind and gentle when it was needed, and she kicked my ass when it needed kicking, and she was always there in just the right ways, whether it was to tell me that it’s OK to be human or to tell me that it would get better or to tell me that I needed to shape the hell up or just to shout LOVES with me in really crazy voices and then descend into uncontrollable giggles in a real pile. A real one.

And in 2010, my relationships with friends grew deeper and stronger, and I met some really cool and wonderful people, and made some new groovy friends, and saw a number of really beautiful people really beautifully naked.

And in 2010 I went to DC a couple of times, and to Chicago a couple of times, and to Portland for a lovely week, and to New York venues to see Regina Spektor and Pearl Jam (not together). And I became a member at MoMA, and read the most amazing books, and had the most amazing conversations, and shouted LOVES in even crazier voices.

And in 2010 I co-founded a not-church, and watched as my suspicion of it turned into delight (it worked!). And I participated in a collaborative theater thing, and I dreamed up ideas about Gutenberg, and I kept on dancing my ass off in movement class as I smiled ever harder and harder at nothing and everything at once. “Landlocked in bodies that don’t keep,” says Joanna, “Dumbstruck with the sweetness of being.”

And in 2010, I was. And I was. In approximately that order.

In 2010 I got better. Yes.

In 2010 I got well.