Following What?

There’s nothing wrong with “next customer”. Nothing wrong at all. When I have waited in a long and snaky line, likely being needled to near death by some sort of saxophonic melody playing from invisible but perfectly-placed store speakers, and I have finally attained the position of FIRST IN LINE, the call of “next customer” fills me with a sense of elation: soon I shall be out of the establishment free to overhear other obnoxious noises not pre-canned for my shopping enjoyment.

Then what is the what is the cry of “following guest”. Is that for me? Are you repeating it, raising your hand and looking at me? “Following guest”? “FOLLOWING GUEST”? Expecting me, the FIRST IN LINE, to understand that you mean me? ME?

This dreaded sentence fragment contains two problematic words, which isn’t a lot, per se, unless you remember that there it only contains TWO WORDS to begin with.

Let’s start with “guest”. I know I know I know your charter or your mission statement or your managerial dictate says that each of your customers is a special and unique flower who should blah blah blah blah. You are not my host. You are receiving my custom. There’s an awesome word for one who is giving you custom, and it ain’t “guest”. If I’m your guest, give me my shit for free. Or at least lend it to me long-term and tell me I can get it back to you whenever, you don’t use it that much anyway.

But fine. “Guest” I can get over, even though it’s not what you mean, or an accurate reflection of our relationship. It’s fucking annoying, but fine. It’s the “following” that really tears it for me, because as far as I can tell “following guest” can mean one of two things, and neither of them means that the person who is first in line should step forward to the till to exchange currency for goods. Or at least not without more guidance.

Here’s one way it would work: “Would the following guest please step forward: David McGee.” Or “Would the following guest please come to the register: he who has attained the position of first in line.” Because “following” implies necessarily more information is coming, right? When used in that context? Or if no further information is coming, then the person you are calling forward is the person who is behind me in line, as that person is following me, and since I am first in line I’m NOT FOLLOWING ANYBODY. GAH.

Just call me the next customer, please. I’ll be less weirdly hostile when we make our exchange.

This has been Ridiculous Complaints With Your Host David McGee.